The Human Resources Department here at The Society For Freedom Enforced By Massive Destructive Power

People are always a little surprised when they find out that amongst my many duties I serve as the head of HR for The Society For Freedom Enforced By Massive Destructive Power. No one ever thinks of the HR needs of organizations like ours. MI 5, SPECTRE, Secret Service, The Illuminati, CIA, KAOS, The Gnomes of Zurich, etc. Either side of the fight needs somebody making sure everyone has adequate medical care and a decent retirement package. Granted many of their employees do not live long enough to take the retirement package, but our high rate survivor/death and disability payouts make up for that.

As in most industries your high end employees (i.e. spies, mad scientists, henchmen with a gimmick) are on the high compensation end of the scale. But what about the clerical staff. The guys in the mail room. Would you want to go to work everyday knowing that at any time your offices could be attacked by a rival organization. No. But that is the reality of this industry. So in the world of shadow organizations a decent comp and benefits package is a strong recruiting tool.

So people join for the adventure. Others because they agree with our Mission Statement. And others for the perks (i.e. guns, trips to orbital space weapons platforms, fairly realistic sexbots, etc.) But many join for the same reasons most people have a job. Because it is a job with a regular paycheck and a decent benefits package.

We offer multiple health care providers, all of which are at lower rates then any of our competitors. This includes dental and vision* as well. We offer the industries highest company match to an employees 401K. Flex time, working from home (when appropriate to the position) and full service day care facilities are just some of the other benefits we offer.

We have a strong history of promotion from within as well as a highly motivational training/disciplinary** system for employees.

Should you be interested in joining our organization, don't worry WE WILL FIND YOU.



*Please Note: Laser vision correction is free when performed by our inhouse staff here on the premises.

**Please Note: The motivational training/disciplinary system consists of locking employees with poor performance issues in a room full of hungry Mandrills, while the employee wears a meat vest. The training program consists of putting a meat vest wearing employee in a room next to a room full of Mandrills. Should the employee fail to master the training/skill set required the door to the Mandrills is automatically open. Therefore you may wish to check with your physician to see if you are allergic to Mandrill fur before applying for a position.

On the Unfortunate, but Occasional, Temporary Merging of Multiple Universes

As will happen from time to time, various parallel universes in the infinite number of universes occupying the various dimensions of time and space will cross paths and interact. At some time I am sure you have experience either the sense of deja vu or the feeling of things not being right or of being just sort of off. In many of these cases you and one of your counterparts in a parallel universe are occupying the exact same space in the time space continuum. If the effect lasts long enough one of the versions of you will exert himself/herself as the dominant personality, thereby affecting both their world and ours. Research has shown that for some unknown reason some people are more prone to this than others and repeated exposure to their mirror self can permanently affect their personality.

Let us use the massively impressive and enormously expensive technology of The Society
For Freedom Enforced By Massive Destructive Power to review the transcripts of a few recent incursions into out world by members of another dimension.

Specifically the Bizzaro World.

Year :2003
(Transcript of a recorded conversation between and Unknown White House Staffer and the President of the United States)
Unknown White House Staffer: Mr. President the next item on your agenda is to appoint a new head for FEMA.
The President: Right, who is one the short list.
UWHS: Well, there are several people involved in the 9/11 rescue operation, some leading foresters involved in The Silver Forest Fire operations, then there are . . . Mr. President are you okay?
The President (now under the influence of the President from Bizzaro world): Hun? What? Me just got a little dizzy, me okay now.
UWHS: Are you sure Mr. President? I could call the office medical staff if you like.
The Bizzaro President: No, no. Me okay now. But what we discussing again?
UWHS: Appointing a new head of FEMA.
TBP: Right, now what is FEMA again?
UWHS: Federal Emergency Management . . . You know the people you send in when there is a major emergency in the country. Are you sure you are ok sir?
TBP: We send them in when there is emergency. Hmm, like the cavalry?
UWHS: Well, yes sir sort of like the cavalry.
TBP: Good. Then me appoint Michael Brown.
UWHS: Sir, but Michael Brown is the former head of the Arabian Horse Association. And he was fired from that position. I do not think he is the right choice.
TBP: Hem perfect choice. Cavalry need horses, and him know about horses. Plus since him be fired from horse job he have free time to do FEMA work. Plus people of Bizzaro America no care about FEMA thing. Much like EPA or FDA. Too many letters, people no understand them. So we gut them. If something bad happen we just blame democrats and liberal media. If it go really bad we just fire him. But what are the odds that something that bad could happen? No, people no notice for years and me long out of office by then.

Year:2005
(Transcripts of one side of various phone conversations. The speaker is Michael Brown, at the time head of FEMA. You will note that in all conversations he is clearly under the influence of the Bizzaro world.)

MB: "What? No me said me want the FEMA web site to tell First Responders to NOT RESPOND to New Orleans. Me know Governor declared a state of emergency, but sending in first responders is exactly what they would expect. They will be waiting for us. . ."

A few days later

MB: "Hello. You say Walmart has sent several trucks loaded with fresh water to New Orleans. That stupid, New Orleans flooded. They have plenty of water. Tell them to turn around. What you say Coast Guard boat loaded with diesel fuel docked in New Orleans going to give fuel to run electric generators. That stupid, it day out them no need lights. Plus houses no have roofs so lots of days light inside. Tell them not to give fuel out. What you say local officials have set up command post to help coordinate relief efforts. Ha ha, me play joke on them. Go cut their emergency telephone lines. Me think that big joke. They will laugh. Oh one other thing, pull firefighters off fighting fires. Me need them to hand out flyers saying what good job me and President doing. Then pull other firefighters away from rescuing people to go take pictures with President. Ok, bye."

How else can we explain this other than influence from the BIZZARO WORLD.

But if our data was wrong and he was not possessed by Bizzaro Bush than
why else would he appoint someone without the right background to such
an important position. Surely not to curry favor with friends and
donors.

How Renquist's life ended 3 universes over to the right...

Three universes over to the right Chief Justice Renquist left the world and legaldom was never the same. While the Renquist in our universe faded away from illness the Renquist over there was much more a Dylan Thomas fan and raged against the dying of the light. Below are his final words.

(The speech he gave at the last ABA Annual Meeting) "You have all soldout. The ABA is nothing but a bunch of parasitical sycophants feeding on the ruination of the American Way. You sit in your offices spinning your little webs of corporate shells and insulators of anonymity while eroding the life and work ethic of a once great nation as your asses grow calloused from lack of movement and bleed the rancid putrefaction of your corrupted souls.

The ABA has become Ass Bleeders Anonymous! In disgust of you and with utter contempt I now bring you a taste of the pain and suffering you have caused and fed upon. THIS IS WEAPONS GRADE PLUTONIUM! I have placed one of these in each of the centerpieces at your tables. The Bard was quite right when he penned "First we kill all the lawyers". No one here will live longer than a month. The lucky ones will die today.

As I am dying, I have little to loose and act without fear of loss. In a most deft demonstration of the talents of our shared black art, all my assets are untraceable and sheltered. Damn you! Damn you all to hell! The DreamYet Lives! Long Live Freed..." (Renquist keels over and spits at the assemblage as he falls dead.)